Eternal Dreams

2011-11-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

The heart yearns for love,
My heart yearns.

Yearning is painful,
Heartbreaking.

Should I?
As the lovely Mia Devil had done?

Cut her heart off from love.
Guard my heart as I've felt I should have.

Keep myself sane,
Burry my passion in success.

Or torture myself,
With a man who cannot please me.

I blame no one,
But myself.

I knew the circumstances,
I know..

I accepted them once,
Yet they burn, as if I'm being punished.

The threefold law is strong,
Unwilling to forgive and forget.

I will keep myself whole,
Attempt at strength.

May one day come,
Where I do not yearn,
I do not struggle,
And my own is mine,
No matter how faltered.

As I lay me down to sleep

2011-05-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

As I lay me down to sleep
I know that I will slowly weep
Unsure of what is to come
For me no faith, unlike some

If I die before I wake
Be sure to tell I was never fake
I gave to good and not to bad
If I could, I'd take away the sad
Gave my all, usually too much
Never stopped, as it is such

As I lay me down to sleep
I only pray, others do not weep

And if I die in any way
I pray the world a better day

2011-04-07T07:59:00.001-05:00

Please take the time to read the following email I received about Medicaid "Optional" benefits, and my addition afterwards.

Medicaid Mandatory Benefits

Acute care

· Inpatient hospital care (440.10)

· Outpatient hospital care (440.20)

· Rural Health Clinic services (440.20)

· Federally Qualified Health Center services (SSA, sec. 1905(a)(2) and 1905(1)(2))

· Laboratory and x-ray services (440.30)

· Physicians services (440.50)

· Family planning services and supplies (440.40 and 441.20)

· Early and Periodic Screening, Diagnostic and Treatment services for individuals under age 21 (EPSDT) (440.40)

· Nurse-midwife services to the extent allowed by state law (440.165 and 441.21)

· Pediatric and family nurse practitioner services (440.50 and 166)

· Medical and surgical dental services (440.50)

· Vaccines for children (SSA, sec. 1928)

· Early and periodic screening, diagnostic and treatment services (SSA, subsec. 905(r))

Long-term care

· Nursing facilities for individuals age 21 or older (440.40)

· Home health services for persons eligible for nursing facility services (440.70 and 441.15)

Medicaid Optional Benefits

· Licensed practitioners’ services (e.g., podiatrists, psychologists, nurse anesthetists) (440.60)

· Private duty nursing (440.80)

· Nurse practitioner (440.166 and 441.22)

· Clinic services (440.90)

· Dental services (440.100)

· Physical therapy (440.10)

· Occupational therapy (440.10)

· Speech, hearing and language therapy (440.10)

· Prescribed drugs (440.120)

· Prosthetic devices (440.110)

· Eyeglasses (440.120)

· Diagnostic services (440.130)

· Screening services (440.130)

· Preventive services (440.130)

· Rehabilitative services (440.130)

· Transportation (440.170)

· Abortion (Subpart E)

· Sterilizations (Subpart F)

· Optometric services (441.30)

· End stage renal disease (441.40)

Long-term care

· Intermediate Care Facility for the Mentally Retarded (ICF/MR) services (440.150 and 483)

· Inpatient hospital services to individuals age 65 or older in an Institution for Mental Diseases (440.10 and Part 441)

· Nursing facility services to individuals age 65 or older in an Institution for Mental Diseases (440.140)

· Inpatient psychiatric services for individuals under age 21 (440.60)

· Nursing facility services for individuals under age 21 (440.40 and 155)

· Case management services (SSA, sec. 1915(g))

· Respiratory care services (440.185)

· Hospice care services (440.202)

· Personal care services (440.167)

· Home and Community-Based Services (HCBS) Waivers if cost-neutral (440.180 and 441 Subpart G and H)

New York’s Budget Negotiation Should Not Jeopardize Critical Medicaid Services For Vulnerable New Yorkers

Cuts To So-Called Optional Medicaid Services Are Not Optional At All

Albany, NY – Advocates from across the state called upon state elected officials not to pass devastating cuts in the safety-net that will jeopardize New York’s health and safety. Cuts to people and services will cause an immediate skyrocketing of much more intensive and expensive Medicaid hospital and nursing home costs to the State and the counties. In addition, the State will also sacrifice federal dollars that flow into our local communities and create jobs.

Our seniors, people with disabilities and children are being endangered. Children without health care cannot fight H1N1. Adults without wheelchairs will be imprisoned in their homes. Diabetics with no dental care will rapidly develop uncontrolled bacterial and fungal infections that can be life threatening. Children using ventilators at home will be institutionalized and lose their childhoods. Individuals without eyeglasses or hearing aids won’t be safe on the streets. Patients who don’t understand their doctors because they speak a different language will take the wrong dose of medication and need hospital care. Seniors who can’t get help with preparing a meal or shop for the necessities in life will undoubtedly end up in nursing homes that will only cost taxpayers even more money. Families on the edge will break without clinical psychological help.

This is the wrong medicine for New York—our Medicaid program keeps us safe and well. “We’re better than this,” stated many advocates.

What does this mean for us and our future?

If these "Optional" benefits are cut; what does that mean? Well, first consider that the "Medicaid" they are talking about doesn't just include straight Medicaid; it includes Family and Child Health Plus, among other low cost health insurance obtained through the Department of Social Services and other organizations.

Okay, so who is this targeting? Low income individuals and families, the disabled, and the elderly. Who's that? The people that really NEED the help! As our economy continues to be less than desireable, more and more individuals and families are turning to public assistance simply in order to survive.

Let's take the time to go over some of these "optional" benefits:

Licensed practitioners' services: podiatrists, psychologists... So, mentally disabled individuals are unable to see a psychiatrist and therefore unable to obtain medications in order to become/remain stable.

Dental Services: Dental problems can be FATAL. Not getting the dental work you need done? This may turn into a hospital visit in the future.

Speech, Hearing and Language Therapy: Let's just reduce our Education a little more, shall we?

Prescribed Drugs: Seriously now? "Let's give you health insurance, but that $300 a month prescription you need filled, sorry, you're going to have to cover that."

Prosthetic Devices: Let's just add some more damper on that leg you lost.

Preventative Services: Need birth control? Well that sucks doesn't it?

Abortion Services: Since we don't cover birth control, we're not going to help you with that either. Raped? Nope, we still wont help. We would like to increase the population that we can't afford to help.

Transportaion: Disabled (mentally and physically) and the elderly who need transportation to appointments are SOL.

Optometric Services: In addition to putting at risk the young, the old and the disabled, we're going to let people go blind.

Nursing facility services to individuals age 65 or older in an Institution for Mental Diseases: You mean, the majority of the nursing facility services... gotcha.

Inpatient Psychiatric Services for individuals under age 21: Individuals under age 21 are most at risk for needing psychiatric services!

Hospice Care: Come on now! Hospice cares for the elderly who only have months to live, are you really going to start denying them their last possible form of help?!

So, ultimately, ER visits and Hospitalizations are going to increase because of lack of preventative and screening services (including dental and eye care, etc.), children aren't going to get the care and services they need while growing, I'd guess the death rate for all ages would increase, we'd have mentally disabled individuals without medications (ending up in hospitals that they won't be able to pay for anyway, or jail/prison), physcially disabled individuals locked up in their homes (no wheel chair, no limbs, guess who stays home?), all while the population increases and the already growing low income population just keeps increasing!

I really, really question the government, local, state and U.S., this is getting out of control. President Obama is supposedly making health care better. That bill he signed? Wasn't much different than what we had in place, oh and by the way... this year health care benefit costs INCREASED and they suck anyway.

The government is trying to cut costs in the WRONG PLACES! It's about time they buckle down and tax the people who can afford it! How about we try to better the economy instead of worsen it by increasing taxes for the low income population and cutting health care for the low income population. All that is being accomplished by this is increasing the number in the low income population and worsening the economy. But, it doesn't hurt them because they make more than enough. Prices went up recently, not just gas.. I'm talking milk, coffee, etc. I bet you they haven't noticed. Well I sure have.

Instead of protecting the rich with tax breaks, tax them the same. Increase the minimum wage rate from $7.25 an hour (seriously, who can live on that?) to, I don't know... $10? Even $10 an hour is low! Increase wages, keep jobs (BY THE WAY: This proposal to cut "optional" benefits WILL cut jobs.), make jobs (keep companies in the US, cut the imports down... let's start selling OUR stuff).

We need to step up and take control of OUR country for crying out loud.

Anyone know what happened to common sense?

Religion

2011-01-15T19:54:00.000-06:00

Ah, the touchy topic that, when brought up in conversation, can turn one of four ways; 1. it can make the conversation go akward and the topic is avoided completely, 2. it can turn into an argument, 3. it can become a deep conversation/learning experience or 4. it can turn into a battle of who's is better/an attempt to convert another into a different religion.

I'd have to say #3 is my favorite and usually how my conversations go, except when I am having this conversation who is clearly not open minded and prefers to argue or try to convert. I like to learn and I don't shoot down others beliefs, ever.

I thought I'd share a good explanation of my beliefs that I expressed to a friend of mine today. I think I explained myself pretty good and I wanted to post it somewhere.

I am a very open minded and free, for lack of a better word, person. I enjoy being able to believe what I want without being told that's what I'm supposed to believe. That being said, I tell people, for the sake of conversation without too much judgement, that I am an Eclectic Wiccan, but really I am just a Witch who chooses my own beliefs and believes that EVERY religion has truth to it. I work with energies, spirituality and the earth in a way that makes sense and feels right to me. Some would say it's a rebellious thing that I got into but it's really not. I guess I chose this path because I am open minded to everyone's beliefs and I enjoy learning and exploring new things.

Lost

2011-01-09T20:49:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year.

I guess..

My brother and I performed last month... it went... okay.. We did Airplaines really good, but his song didn't go so well. We only practiced it for 3 hours and didn't have any real music to go with it.. just a beat. So we are supposed to perform next month and we have some real music to go with it. We will see how that one goes..

I've been going to therapy... the Psychiatrist came to a fabulous conclusion; I do to much! Haha! I could have told you that dude! Oi vey.

Not quite sure what else to write about tonight... just kind of rambling on about nothingness in my head so there's not much that actually makes sense. >.<

Bye for now I suppose.

Performing

2010-12-16T22:45:00.000-06:00

Well, my upper is gone. Has been. But I haven't posted since then. I had fun though, it was good while it lasted.

Tomorrow night, I am performing at, what we call, Battle of The Bands at a local skating rink with my brother, Lil' Dough. I don't have a stage name. He is a rapper, and I'm not sure why they allowed that at Battle of The Bands, but hey, I'm not complaining. I'm excited that my brother has performed there, he is really good and everyone loves him. We will see what happens when I perform with him tomorrow. =/ Everyone keeps telling me I have an amazing voice but I guess I don't hear it... Oh well. I'm just doing it because my brother needed a backup singer. I'll let the crowd decide tomorrow how I sound.

We're doing Airplanes which is alright, but I'm excited about my brother's song; Invisible. He wrote the rap, I wrote most of the chorus [he wrote it original, my sister-in-law tweaked it, I then changed it again and added a whole other verse]. I just hope I sound as good as everyone is telling me. I had a singer listen to the recording we did, and he loved it, so did a co-worker of mine, and my boss, among other people. Again, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

I saw my therapist today. When he asked me if I had anything specific I wanted to talk about, I drew a blank. What did I want to talk about? The fact that I have uppers and downers, and the fact that I am performing tomorrow night. I also wanted to mention that I have been taking time to actually do things for myself. I don't know why I blanked out. It was nervewracking. We ended up talking about how I deal with relationships, romantic ones, my family and my father. It was aggravating. When I started talking about my father, I got very passionate and restless. I went from sitting very relaxed and messing with my lip ring [nervous tendencies] to sitting up straight, messing with my hair and getting very angry; talking with my hands, etc. I don't like talking about my father...

Dear Blog,
You are the only one I can truely talk to.....

Woah!

2010-12-10T20:29:00.001-06:00

I am going out tonight. I went out last weekend, but it was kind of.... idk... blah. Lol.

Tonight though, I am excited as all hell to be going out. I don't know what got into me but I even as I am typing I am going faster and faster because I am so excited. I am actually quite jittery. Just yesterday I was depressed, and now I am happy as ever, looking forward to doing something for myself.

Normally, I am dreading going home. I want to be at work. I want to keep busy. I don't want to relax.

What's up with today?

Is it a good thing? Well, right now it is, because I am in a good mood. But I think it might be bad because I have all these ups and downs so often. I guess I'll be telling my therapist about it on Thursday. For now, I am enjoying the good mood and going to have a good time! I am looking forward to going out with my sister, and best friend, btw, and a really good friend of mine. <3

Crazy

2010-12-08T22:21:00.001-06:00

Don't
          Stop

Take a look around

What do you see?

Keep
          Going

The American Dream

Is a joke

Work
          Hard

Don't
          Stop

Life doesn't exist.

So
          Angry

Angry for entertainment

Your crime
          It interests me

Your anger
          It intrigues me

In this crazy world

There is no "normal"

We
          Need
                    Different

Or we get bored

So

Get angry

Tear me up

I'll tear you up

On the outside
          No one knows
                    All the insanity

Who knows
          How fucked up
                    We all really are

Or...

Is this
          just me?

Fight

2010-12-08T22:07:00.000-06:00

Fight
     Kick
          Scream

Fight
     Yourself
          Your mind

Fight your thoughts

Fight your demons

Long for your desires

Mind racing
          Head spinning

Stop

Can't

Go

Fight the urge

The urge

Wait

Keep going

Can't
     Stop
          Fighting

Fight for life

Fight for hapiness

Fight for comfort

Work toward dreams

Shot
     Down

Work toward desires

Shot
     Down

Work to live

Barely

Is this life?

Looks more to me
          Like I fight
I work
          I slave

For those who have it easy

Do you fight?

Probably
          If you read this right.

One Choice

2010-12-08T21:57:00.000-06:00

Mind racing.
Head screaming.
Don't be a puss.
Just pick one up.

Three options in front of you.
Cut for release.
Shoot to kill.
Call for help.

You want one.
You need one.
Just one.
Which one?

Get angry!
But don't do it!

Argue and scream.
Forget this fucking scene.

Can't talk.
Can't live.
Can't think.
But your mind is always there.
Can't breathe.
And you can't escape.

You pick up the phone.
Because you feel like someone wants you to live.

Just Some Stuff

2010-12-03T00:56:00.000-06:00

What Does It Take?

Lately I've been feelin' a little low.
Scratch that.
I've been feelin' like a piece of shit.

Get up and go to work;
Come home and go to sleep.
No time for Willow.
No time for me.

My boyfriend's bugging out.
I can't answer his questions.
He needs to back off.
I need my own attention.

Is it normal crazy feelings,
Or should I see a professional?
Bipolar?
Depression?
Sex addiction?
Workaholic?

Why does it need a label?
Oh, that's right, to "fix" it.
Will it really help?
I guess I should at least try.

Maybe I should be alone?
Left to deal, and live,
Without having to please another?
Just me and Willow?

What does it take to be happy in this world?

Someday I Will See

Someday I will see.
Someday I will know.
Someday I will be able to tell,
What is real,
And what is a dream.

I've Come To Realize

I've come to realize,
There's nothing much here for me.
I've come to realize,
That I might be better off alone.
I've come to realize,
That life is never going to be easy.
Not even remotely.

Poem

2010-11-25T00:58:00.000-06:00

I used to write a lot. Not sure what happened but I just didn't write for the longest time.

The other day, though... I came up with this poem.

You make me want to dance.
You make me want to sing.
You make me want to draw.
And do all the things I like.
You make me want to follow my dreams.
You also make me want to scream.

So many things going through my head.
So many things I need to figure out.
So many issues I need to think about.
I need to overcome these obstacles.
So I can tell what I really want in life.
So I can look at myself without thinking about a knife.

Why does everyone think I'm so amazing?
Why does it seem so easy for everyone to care?
Why can't I just be normal for once?
I don't understand, I am always confused.
Why am I being tested every day?
Why does it feel like I'll never be okay?

Sometimes I want to change myself.
Sometimes I want to end this battle.
Sometimes I can't see any good.
If only I could simply be happy.
Sometimes I can be happy with what I've got.
Sometimes my stomach gets tied in a knot.

I've always wanted a simple life.
I've never begged for the world.
I've always done what I can for others.
So why is "me" always last?
I've always tried to avoid confusion.
I've always ended up with an illusion.

You make me want to live my dreams.
So many things this world could bring.
Why do I do this to myself?
I don't want to hurt others anymore.
Sometimes I see the future in my hand.
I've always wanted my own piece of land.

Therapy

2010-11-25T00:32:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I said it. Therapy. As in, Psychiatrist, Therapist, all that lovely stuff.

I've decided to look into it.

See I've been dealing with a lot lately. Stress mostly, a bit of depression, ups, downs and all-arounds. Ranging from work, family, to my boyfriend; just ... life in general. Why? I don't know. Ahem, that's why I'm going to seek therapy, you see...

Why don't people understand that? I don't know why I'm depressed, I don't know why I've been acting different. I can't explain it... so please stop trying to get a reason out of me. Let me be. I know it's hard.

I am normally very happy-go-lucky, I guess [except in the morning... haha] and I normally deal with stress extremely well. Too well, I think. Maybe it has all built up inside and I am getting ready to explode. Or implode. Who knows. Maybe I'm just not the person I thought I was. Maybe I'm changing. Maybe I'm just having a "funk".

Well I don't know about any of that but I do know, that this happens more than I like. Most of the time it just affects my relationships. Rarely does it affect the rest of my life. Either way, it's not good and I want it to stop.

Sometimes I wonder what I am really supposed to be doing in life. I've said this before, but being depressed and stressed out makes me wonder more. It also makes me wonder what I really want from life. Do I want to live a long life, get married again and have a "successful" career [according to standards provided from those 'above' us]; do I want to live the "American Dream"? Or, do I want to live my dream. Wait.... what is my dream?

I guess you could say that my dream is to help people. I like helping people. I like to volunteer and see my actions improve someone's life. So why can't I improve mine? What's wrong with this picture? Oh and wtf is up with me ending up hurting the people I love? Oh it happens.... all to often. I have hurt too many people and it kills me. How can I help people if I can't even stop hurting the people closest to me?

My heart is full of wishes, my mind is full of hope. I just can't seem to get them all straightened out...

Decisions, decisions

2010-11-09T00:31:00.000-06:00

A decision I have been mulling over since I was 10 years old... What do I want do be when I grow up?

It's been 13 years since then, and I haven't made a damn bit of progress. Well, I guess I've got some progress. I began "working" when I was 12. Babysitting, yard work, those types of things. My first real job was working at a deli. I was 15, and I loved it. I was able to buy my first car, all on my own, before I even went to get my permit. In fact, my car was insured with plates before I signed up for my road test. I took my road test in my own car. I have not yet been unemployed.

I'm a workaholic.. and always looking for ways to make extra money. I went to college for Criminal Justice. At the time... I don't know what I wanted to be; but I wanted to help people. During my 2 years at college I signed up to be a Crime Victims Counselor, which is volunteer. All while working 2 to 3 jobs. I still want to help people, and I still want to pursue Criminal Justice, in some way. Just how?

I've also always been interested in Photography, Journalism, and Psychology. This has proven difficult because I've never been able to focus on one thing at a time, I'm always jumping. I want to do everything!

Unfortunately when I was in college, I had a difficult time with budgeting my money. What I should have done was saved most of the money I was making, since I didn't really have any expenses. Well, that didn't happen. So now not only do I work as a Residential Counselor, at a whopping $10.64 an hour, but I'm in debt from going to school, and flat broke. So how do I move forward? Especially not knowing what I want to do.

Cheater

2010-11-08T23:51:00.000-06:00

I normally avoid this subject, but it's been bugging me lately.

I am married, going through a divorce, and I am not going to say that I am an angel, in any way shape or form; know that before reading on.

I've had my share of mistakes, big ones, and I am sorry for them. Truly.

It's difficult when every time you try and think of something in your life that should have been a happy experience, you see a picture... of someone else... with your husband. In my case... I've seen many pictures, videos too, messages, texts.... you name it. I wont get into details, that will just make my own feelings worse as I try to move on.

I love my husband. I do. I love him a lot. He even changed after we got married. So what was the problem? Problem is... I can't get over the past. Why did I get married then? Because I was stupid. I didn't consider my feelings and it was too soon. I should have waited. There are a lot of should haves from the past few years. I should have seen it a long time ago. But I didn't. And here I am, going through a divorce, with a 2 and a half year old, beautiful daughter.

When I was with him, every day I was reminded of the pain I was put through. Every time I thought about my pregnancy with my daughter, every Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, songs, places, computers, malls, you name it, I was reminded. And it hurt. All the time. It got to the point where I was seeking medical help for depression. Depression medications didn't help. In fact they made me stop eating and I was still hurting. Then came panic attacks. Now they suck. Anxiety medication made me feel sedated, like I couldn't do anything. I hated the feeling. I would take a pill and I couldn't function. I am constantly on the move... I don't have time to be sedated; I can barely handle Nyquil!

My husband thinks all of this is bullshit. He thinks I made up all of these "excuses" so I could just move onto someone else. He says I'm his best friend and he still enjoys talking with me, yet whenever that comes up he tells me it's all bullshit, he doesn't believe me. In his eyes I'm just a whore.

Now like I said before, I'm no angel. Yes I have hurt him as well. But there are always two sides to every story. I won't get in to our sides. It would be too complicated and too heartbreaking to try and write out our story.

What I want is to be able to move on, to forget the past. I know that I cannot forget the pain when I am with him, and I don't wish for things to have been different in the past [why wish?, you can't change the past]. I have learned A LOT from the past years and have come out a better person. At least I think so. I know what it feels like to be hurt, and I know the pain that I have caused others, and I have learned from this.

Dad

2010-11-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

So, my brother recently got married [10/30 to be exact] and a big congratulations to the new Mr and Mrs. I am so happy for them.

Anyway, my new sister-in-law was inquiring about my father a little bit. Which is completely understandable, I mean.... well, you'll see.

My father is hard to explain, and it sounds crazy to explain it to others. Everyone in my family agrees, when we think about it and try to explain it to others... we literally feel crazy and ask ourselves... "Are we just making this up?" Well it's hard to believe... but we are not. My older brother, who just got married, is only my half brother and my father didn't treat him all that great when he was younger. I'll spare my siblings stories... they should really be the ones to describe their feelings anyway. What I will say, is we all strive to be accepted, we all strive for my fathers approval. Do we want to? Absolutely not. The need is still there though... we all want that father who loves and appreciates and is proud of his children. Sometimes he will say these things to us. Sometimes he will tell us he loves us, and a lot of the times he is more than willing to help us out if we need it [especially me] and he will tell us he is proud of us. These occasions, though, don't happen as often as they should. Most of mine and my siblings encounters with my father are kind of a "duck in" and "duck out" and try not to be seen in the process. If we are, it's a quick, "Hi dad, nothing new here..." conversation. But when you get caught, you don't skip out without a bitch or two in there.

My father is famous for the bitching. You ask any of his peers from work and whatnot, though, or people who see him in passing... he's such a great guy! Talks wonderfully about his family, works hard, honest man, blah, blah, blah. There are the co-workers and friends that know him for his true colors [one specific friend of his/mine comes to mind who I've seen laying in the grass of the front yard, crying, because of my father]. Why they are still friends with him? I could not even begin to comprehend. He bitches about everything and anything. He will literally MAKE UP something to bitch about. I've been told many things that were lies, just so he had something to complain about. Once I was told that my brother stole money from my mother... just so my father could complain about him. Seriously? That's a little low don't you think? I know for A FACT that none of my siblings NONE would EVER do anything like that to my mother. If they were that type of person... they wouldn't be considered my sibling anymore.

It is difficult to put my thoughts into words about my father. Usually when I begin to think about the things my father has done, and the way my father acts, etc. I become very, very angry; enraged actually. So I'm easing into this post as slow as I can handle. So for now, I will leave you with the little insight I've provided on my father, and will continue this post another time....

Well here I am again. Musing over a lot of things, but in passing thought I could add some insight on my father.

So, you know about the bitching... now the drinking. Now my dad is normally an okay guy to get a long with when he is sober, but he definitely gets nasty when he is sober. When he drinks... it's a million times worse. One of two things will happen when my father drinks... either, 1. he will have a great time the entire night and at the end of the night he will cry over anything and everything he can or 2. he will have an okay night, get a little aggravated or upset over some things throughout the night... and at the end of the night get nasty... very nasty. Nasty to the point he is complaining, insulting, loud, and violent [verbally mostly, and sometimes to inanimate objects, but sometimes physically to his family]. Either way, when there's a beer in his hand... you know you are in for a rough night.

Either way, sober or not, my dad is not a pleasant man to be around. Not for his family at least. His family is usually shit and can do nothing wrong. My mother hides in her computer game and attempts to not be seen or heard by him. He wonders why... he wonders why his children hate him, and he wonders why his wife ignores him and could care less about things he asks of her. Unfortunately.... this makes everything worse. Instead of thinking "Oh, maybe I'm an ass hole and should change." He thinks he is the greatest person ever and everyone else is in the wrong. We have absolutely no reason, or right, to dislike [let alone hate] my father. We should worship him. He is the greatest you know....

So, the reason my sister in-law was inquiring about my father, is because every weekend my father has my half-brother at his house, busting his ass helping him out. This would get on my nerves too. And she doesn't understand why my brother just doesn't say no. Well, none of us do. When my father says "Jump." we don't even say "How high?"; we just do it. Well, what if we don't? Hmm... that's a good question. Well, if I were to not do something my father asked, I would go from my normal nicknames of lazy, fatass, dumbass, bitch, to something much more... more along the lines of worthless cunt. My apologies for the language, but it's the only way for you to understand. So, what's wrong with a little name calling? Yeah it sucks but you gotta live your life right? I guess. But it doesn't end with the name calling. My father is verbally abusive, and everything past the name calling [well including the name calling] causes some severe emotional damage. It's much easier for us to say "Yes dad." and do what he asks, then to deal with what damage he is capable of. I'm sure there are people out there who understand this; but it is difficult to understand it when you don't live it. We're scared. I'm not ashamed to say it... I am afraid of my father and his words, his actions. Oh and to set aside the abuse we receive... my mother hears constant bitching, why add more to it by not doing something for him? It's a shame. We've tried getting away, we've tried saying no, and it makes my mothers life worse. I love my mother, we all do, she is amazing and I would do ANYTHING for her. I don't want to make her life worse. She's scared too.

Well, that's my dad. Believe it or not, understand or not. That's him.

Aching Teeth and Poor Health

2010-11-06T22:23:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of people who have problems with their teeth. It's inevitible. Do you know why we have wisdom teeth? Back before dentistry, what happened? Our teeth would rot out of our mouths and eventually, we would have 4 extra molors coming in, in order to compensate for the teeth we had lost. I also wouldn't be suprised if back then there was a lot of "Cast Away" scenes going on... you know when he had the absess tooth and knocked it out with a rock? Ouch. Unfortunately, I can understand the pain... and I know there are many others who can as well.

I am lucky enough that I have a job that has dental insurance. No, it's not very good dental insurance seeing as I've almost reached my cap for the year [thank the goddess that January 1st is "around the corner" and my cap will be back at the norm]. Anyway, I recently had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled; at once. I wanted it done and over with and I had them sedate me so I didn't remember anything. $300 later, I walked out doped up and wisdom teeth free. Well, when you eliminate the major problem, the other problems come creeping up on you and you feel like you are in the same exact position you were before you fixed the first problem. My wisdom teeth were continuously breaking. It got to the point that 2 of my wisdom teeth were almost flat with my gums, yet jagged enough to get food stuck in them and to cut up the inside of my cheek, so I am definitely thankful that they are out. Currently, I have [as I can recall...] 15 cavities in my mouth, an absess, and 2 chipped teeth. My dentist keeps calling me, and I keep stalling... because 1, I have almost no time to actually GO to the dentist, and 2, I don't have the money to spend on all the work I need done. I'm thinking that soon, though, I am going to have to bite the bullet... so I can use up the rest of my cap and pay the money to get at least the bigger problems taken care of. Then the beginning of the year I can get the rest of the problems taken care of... maybe then I'll be getting back to the regular 6 month check-ups and cleanings. And I complained about those when I was little.... pshhttt, I should've listened to my dentist. But here's the thing... I brush my teeth regularly, floss, listerine, the whole nine, and now I'm being told.... maybe I'm doing it TOO much. WTH?

OH, and my diet probably has a lot to do with my teeth, according to my dentist anyway. A lot of soda's, sweets, and sugary foods can damage your enamel, making it easier for you to get cavities. Awesome. Alright, alright, I KNOW I shouldn't be eating these foods anyway [at size 18 and a whopping 223lbs, I could definitely skip on the sweets]. 223lbs, wow. It's hard to admit that. Those of you out there who are overweight know exactly what I'm talking about. Weird thing? My diet has definitely changed. [Not so much since Halloween though.... I'm sorry but my brother bought almost $100 in candy for the house and we had no trick-or-treaters.... the candy glares at me...] But the last few months, I have cut out soda, and candy [for the most part] and am trying to make the transition to organic foods. My problem? I'm too damn busy. I don't care what the internet says about making time for your lifestyle... right now, I don't have a lifestyle. I work 2 jobs and have a 2 year old daughter [single mother btw]. I literally have no time for myself. My sister watches my daughter when I am at work and I have little time to spend with my daughter. Do I really want to be struggling with diets and trying to establish my lifestyle with the little time I have at home? No, right now my priorities are my daughter and my bills. [And as noted in my previous post, all I want is to just have a comfortable life... everything always comes down to that.] So, what I was getting at, I look like I've lost weight. My boss sees it, my boyfriend sees it, my mother, brother, sister, sister-in-law, even my CLOTHES see it. LOL. BUT I've gained 5lbs. Huh....??? What's wrong with that picture? Muscle weighs more than fat, I know that... but I haven't been working out or antyhing... just changing what I eat and when I eat. BTW not eating after a certain time at night really does help to lose weight; add taking a walk after dinner isn't a bad idea either. Ahh... I'm always searching for the easy-to-fit-in lifestyle changes that aide in stress relief and weight loss. Not to mention quitting smoking which I've slowly been getting to. I am such a bad influence. I smoke, don't eat right, don't sleep right, don't do this, don't do that, blah, blah, blah. Well as long as you're happy right? Why waste your life trying to be "perfect" and heathy if you're not happy? Wrong. How can you be happy knowing that your life will be cut short by poor habits and the posibility of not being able to spend the time with you want with your family is there? I don't get it and I don't get why I can't change. I want to be able to take my daughter to the park and run after her without getting out of breath. I want to live to see my daughter graduate college, get married and have children. I even want to live to be a great-grandmother [for crying out loud... my daughter has a great-great-grandmother still alive]; but I only want to live this long if I am healthy. And the only way that's going to happen is if I work on it now. Oi. And the cycle continues....

Joining the rest of the world.

2010-11-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to figure out a lot lately. When I couldn't establish how I would do this, I decided I'd write it all out. When I realized I, 1, don't have time to sit and physically handwrite all of my thoughts [which is how I'd rather do it], 2, my hand cramps up after too much handwriting and I type faster than I write, and 3, I wouldn't really be able to get many opinions on a handwritten journal, I decided I'd try a blog. So here I am.

Now I'm sure you're asking; "What are you trying to figure out?" Well... there's a lot of that flying around in my head right about now. I think right about now, the main thing I've been throwing around in my head... is how do I make it so I have more time at home, but make more money. I know.... I know.... that's everyone's question these days. I'm not saying I am any better than the next person, but damn an associates degree and some experience in human services and volunteering should get me somewhere, wouldn't you think? In my opinion, it should get me more than a stress filled job and $10.63 an hour. Oh and by the way, I work 2 jobs.

Now let me make something clear here. I am a very lucky person. I don't want anyone to think that I am asking for handouts, complaining about my situation, or thinking that I take advantage of what I've got. I appreciate every little thing in my life; from a kiss on the forehead to a hug from my daughter, to a safe drive to work. I appreciate every day, every second I have on this earth that I can spend with the people I love. I just wish I could have more of it. Don't you?

I don't want a million dollars [well... with the way this economy is going a million is the new thousand...], and I don't want the world in my hands. I want comfort. I want to be able to pay the bills every month and have a little extra spending money for the things I want to do with my family, I want to be able to spend time with my daughter instead of her getting so excited to see me [when she does] that she wont let go of me the entire time, I just want comfort.

Now forget what I want. Here's what I have; what I appreciate. I have a wonderful family, which extends beyond my bloodline. I have people who love me, people who help me. I have an absolutely beautiful daughter who is full of love, life, and laughter. I fell into an excellent opportunity for me to potentially own my own house someday soon; a beautiful house [that needs some work, but it feels like home]. I have a job. Actually, I have 2. I definitely know that there are many out there who are unemployed, struggling to get by every day. To top it off, I have the ambition to work, to care, and to help. One day I hope to be able to return the things I have to someone who will appreciate them.

Well, this post was quite... unorganized. But that's often how I write. I'll try to be more structured next time. It's hard for even me to understand, belive me.